1985/7 Japan
Kyoto
7
March 1986
Received
18.03.86
Hello
there
I
have just been to Osaka
to get my ticket organised. I fly from Tokyo on
April 10, arriving in Hong Kong at 3pm on the
same day. Apparently you don’t need a visa if you stay less than 7 days, but
the immigration can be a little sticky if you don’t have a ticket out of
the country. Not much I can do about that. Just hope to convince them I DO
intend to leave for SA immediately. I will phone you from HK as soon as I know
my date and time of arrival, OK.
I
hope I didn’t disappoint you too much by not jumping at your very
generous gift with excitement and joy. In fact my first reaction was one of
horror and disbelief that sent a huge NO! screaming through my head. I think it
only fair to warn you just how traumatized I feel at the thought of returning
to SA. Especially at such short notice. I thought it would be at least another
two years before I would even have to START thinking about my return. I have
spent the last three years thinking about ways to get out of SA permanently.
And during that time my anger at the system there has grown immensely. And my
guilt at my ignorance and acceptance of the injustice. I swing between a desire
to escape and a need to ‘do something’. So I have no idea how I shall react
when I get back. Either I will put on the blinkers they hand out at the airport
and treat it all as a holiday or I shall run around opening my big mouth at the
wrong/right? Time and getting us all into trouble. I just don’t know.
My second major area of concern ... was money. Real or imagined I know
I shall feel an obligation about this ticket. One I simply cannot meet. Either
financially (at the moment) or in terms of emotional or behavioural expectations
on your part. Then too I am afraid of being trapped in SA for longer than I
intend to stay because of a lack of finances. You say, mom, that I won’t have
to spend a cent, but I’m far too old to be accepting ‘pocket money’ from you.
So…
And besides these several other thoughts came crowding in – some of
no real importance at all – that added to my confusion for the first 24 hours
or so after I received your letter. I had just been for two interviews and had
planned a third. I have certain teaching obligations that I must find someone
to fulfill. I have just ordered and paid for 30 weeks of Newsweek. I am on the
brink of a possible relationship with a man I met recently – the first man I
have been attracted to in YEARS. I have several banned books on my shelves!
Anyway
– I have calmed down over the last couple of days and feel better for having
made a decision. Just thought it best to let you know why I’m not jumping for
joy. I expect I shall start to get excited soonish.
And
I’ll be seeing you soon too.
Take
care
Lotsaluv
Gail